Sunday, September 22, 2013

30 for daysss

I've been 30 for about 3 days now and everything is so different!

I'm lying. So far everything is pretty much the same. In my mind, people are going to start taking me seriously. I don't know why I expect other people to take me seriously when I don't even take myself seriously but that's the way it is. (yes that is a Celine Dion quote).


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Memory Loss

Part of me thinks that I might have blogged about my memory before but I can't remember. How appropriate.


As I get older there are entire parts of the day that I just can't remember while other parts crystal clear. I can clearly remember the time my (older) sister locked my mom's keys in the car 25 years ago but I can't remember where I put my laptop.



About 20 minutes ago, I spent 5 minutes looking for my laptop so I could blog (about a topic that I have long since forgotten). I looked everywhere, my room, the kitchen, outside on the patio, the garage, my car. . .then I got to my office and looked at my desktop and remembered my laptop is at THE APPLE STORE. Please pray for me.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Jealousy

Jealousy is very, very real. I don't know if there's a psychological reason behind being overcome with jealousy but the logistician in me (hopefully that's a real world) knows it is so, so dumb. It is summer in Florida which means an overwhelming number of my Facebook friends are posting pictures of themselves swimming. Almost every time I see one of these pictures I experience a small moment of jealousy. This is completely illogical for two reasons;

1. I hate swimming 
2. I have my own pool (right in the backyard). 



So stupid.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Becoming a Grown Up. . Little. . by . . Little

Hey guys!

I'm still washing my face. Woo hooo! I'm pretty sure this habit is here to stay. This morning I was in a hurry, because my orthodontist was nice enough to give me a last minute appointment, and I wouldn't leave without washing my face. After showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed I got in my car all set to leave. I realized I hadn't washed my face and actually went back into the house to do it. A few weeks ago, I would have left and threw some lotion on top of the dirt. I don't think my face actually looks any different but I think this is a necessary part of adulthood. I'll post another picture in a few weeks.


The last month or so, I have attended a handful of graduations. I guess this is another part of becoming an adult. All the young people in your life start to accomplish incredible things. Two of the graduations I went to were family members. My older sister and younger brother both graduated. My sister from her medicinal studies and my brother from high school. Here are some pictures from those two events. I have NO idea what happened to half of the pictures from my brother's graduation so unfortunately I'm not in them. But that's okay, it was his special day. :)

































Monday, May 27, 2013

Face Wash

It is the tail end of a three day weekend and I have surprisingly washed my face everyday this weekend! Everyone is constantly telling me how important it is to take care of my skin, wash my face blah, blah, blah. Eating vegetables has never been a problem for me. . . I love almost every vegetable I've ever tried. (Except brussel sprouts, I hate those!) Now that I'm approaching 30, I've started to take some of my parents' childhood advice. As long as I can remember, my dad has subtly begged me to wash my face. I mean, really wash my face. I throw water on my face in the shower so it's not like it's truly nasty but that's about it. So this weekend I have decided to try to wash my face regularly. I am about 5 days into using Aveeno moisturizing face wash and Neutrogena pore refining cleanser. Here is a picture of my face about as up close as the macbook could get at the beginning of this cleanse. I'll check in with you guys in 30 days and see if it makes any difference. I'm also trying to grow in my eyebrows (don't ask) so let's ignore those for now.


Sunday, May 19, 2013

How About That Ride In?

I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.


I have a personal connection to the Hangover. I feel like Todd Phillips, Jon Lucas, and Scott Moore just followed me around a made a movie based on my personality. Phil Wenneck and I are soul siblings. I could make a list of all of our similarities but I don't think that's appropriate for the internet. That being said, I am super excited that the Hangover 3 will be out this week. Check out 3 of my favorite Phil quotes before hitting the theaters this weekend!











Tuesday, May 14, 2013

65 Books You Need to Read in Your 20s

I am almost 30. Wooooo?


A friend of mine recently posted this list from Buzz Feed of 65 books that you should read when you're in your 20's. The compiler proudly proclaims that even if you have already read these books (presumably in high school) you should read them again in your 20's to greater appreciate them. You may not know this about me but I was an English major in college. Whew! So glad that secret is out there. I have liked reading foreverrr. I learned to read when my older sister learned to read. She was 6, I was 3. We've been reading together and separately since 1986. The greatest gift I have ever received was my Nook. (Thanks again sister!). I am not one of those former English majors who went on to become a lawyer, I am also an English teacher. So naturally, I checked out this list right away!! Of these 65 glorious books, I have read zero, zip, zilch, nada. Guess I better get started. Good thing I have summers off. . .sort of. Check out the list here. How many have you read?

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Adults in Orlando. . .

Apparently watch an average of 5 hours of television a day. SAY WHA?

I was thinking there's no way that this is possible then I thought about myself. I'm not sure if my TV viewing habits are unique but I'll share them anyway because that's why we're all here. Right?

So I have three prominent ways that I view television. I would like to preface this discussion of my habits with some reminders. One, I don't really sleep that much. Two, I have exceptional time management skills which leaves me with more free time than most. Three, team no kids!

1. I watch the news on a never ending loop. I am home by 3pm most days so I will watch the local news at 4 o clock. Then I'll watch it again at 5 because the 4 o clock news has a lot of teasers to tune in at 5. Then I'll watch CNN from 6 to 9. I am so well informed about local, national, and global issues. Sort of.

2. If I'm not watching the news, I will watch TV while I'm doing other things. I'm not really good at multitasking so usually the TV becomes a light source and background noise. For example, I am watching CSI right now but it is seriously the 3rd time I have attempted to watch it. I turned it on this morning while I was getting ready for work but it ended up taking a backseat to personal hygiene , the dog, and my five course breakfast. I tried to watch again after dinner but for some reason I picked up a book and started reading it. About 45 minutes into the one hour program (I don't even fast forward the DVR commercials anymore) I remembered that my goal was to watch TV and I restarted it. So now I'm watching it again but I'm also writing this. . . third time's a charm right?

3. I binge television watch. There are about 2 days a month where all I do, all day is watch television. Whether that is good, bad, or indifferent, it happens

Sunday, May 5, 2013

You are Never Too Old

. . . too drink out three nights in a row. This weekend has been full of drinking, which is fantastic. I haven't had any hangover experiences so I don't think a weekend full of liquor ever goes out of style. 


Friday night is not usually a "school night" but I knew I had to work very early in the morning so the adult in me told my inner drunkard to stay home and rest up for the next day. The drunkard could smell the beer miles from the bar so I ended up going out to celebrate the weekend with some coworkers and friends. I only planned to stay for an hour or so but made it home in time to gather 4 quality hours of sleep before work. 

Saturday I figured I would wake up cranky and flustered but I was ready to take on the world because two of my former "students" were graduating from College. I'm too young for this but whatever. When your first job is working with teens and you're barely out of your teens yourself, this is what you get. (I made it through work but who cares about that). Saturday evening I was able to celebrate graduation style with both of them. I am very proud of them and their accomplishments and I WISH I had some pictures to show of the evening but I've never been good at remembering to take those.  Good news, other people took tons of pictures so I will steal those and share them as soon as they're all up and posted. One of the highlights of the night, the amazing signature rum punch.


T O D A Y is my favorite holiday revolving around alcohol, Cinco de Mayo. I have always believed that in my next life I will be Mexican. I love everything about Mexico and maybe one day I'll even visit. The weather is awesome, their food is incredible, they wear boots year round, and they make tequila on their farms instead of just chickens. It sounds like my type of country. I know the holiday really isn't that important to my kindred people but I'm going to push that fact to the back of my head and go out and celebrate! Tequila! It's what's for breakfast.


Thursday, May 2, 2013

How Bizarre

By now, we all know that my dog is very unique in personality and appearance. At least this is my opinion. It is very possible that my dog is displaying typical dog behaviors and every other dog I've ever had was actually weird. Just to verify, I'm going to outline some of the things my dog does that I think are bizarre  If your dog does something similar, drop me a line so I know that this is just a dog being a dog.

1. He barks at himself. I don't have many dog level mirrors but anytime he sees himself, he issues a challenge. . . to himself, in the form of a viscous bark.

2. He gathers up a mouth full of food, runs across the room, spits out the food on the floor, then eats it one kibble at a time. Then he repeats this until he is done eating.

3. He always tries to beat people through a doorway. I know this is an alpha dog thing but he never wins. He is too clumsy and too slow to actually make it through the door before the human.

4. He sleeps with one eye open. It's like he's expecting something bad to happen and he wants to be prepared. (At least I know I'm safe!)

5. He pushes people in the pool. If you stand to close to the edge of the pool with the intention of staying dry, he will run by and push you in with his hind legs.

A N D

6. He lays NEXT to his bed. He sits on the bed, plays with toys on the bed, humps the bed. When it's bedtime, he lays next to the bed. Sometimes he uses it as a pillow.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Thirsty Tuesday

Water. It makes up some crazy percentage of our body, a larger percentage of the world, and is just so necessary.

As I rapidly approach 30, it is becoming more and more obvious that things that used to be okay just aren't anymore. I have just recently discovered how important water is to humans. People have told me my entire life to drink water but I usually ignored them.  Over the last year or so, I have significantly increased my water intake by choice.  Within the last few weeks, however, I have HAD to drink more and more water. I have been so incredibly thirsty. Today at work, I was so thirsty that I actually had to leave work to go buy some water. I have a pretty sizeable tumbler that I drink out of all day and I felt like I was becoming more thirsty as I drank more water. Within an hour of initally "discovering" the unquenchable thirst, I had the worst headache I have ever had. I don't like to take pain relievers etc because I'm paranoid about them losing their effectiveness as I get older. (Geriatrics need their BC powder) So I sprinted to the convenience store (in my car) and bought 48 ounces of water. Then. . .I drank it all within the hour.


Moral of the story?


I guess, drink W A T E R kids

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Spread the Word

I have this really bad habit of just spitting out ideas without any consideration of the repercussions of what I've just said. So I'm going to share this crazy idea I had a few days ago. My friend and I are going to write a children's book. It's going to be awesome for several reasons that I will not outline just yet. As we work through the writing and creating process, I will share the journey with you. Until then, this is all I have to say because I don't want anyone to steal our fantastic idea. Stay tuned folks!!


In the meantime, please share my blog with your friends over and under 30. I hope to reach 1,000 page views over the next two weeks but I can't do it without your help. That being said, here are some blogs that I follow that you should check out too.







Bottom of the Net: A blog about basketball from the perspective of a coach







Hortipopia: A blog about going greeen and gardening H A R D



Everyday Ephee: A blog about everything and I mean everything

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I love TMZ


but only because I am not a celebrity.  I know it is trashy and mindless and in poor taste to watch a show centered around gossip but it's entertaining.  Maybe I'll grow out of watching and reading TMZ as soon as I turn 30 but maybe, just maybe, I'll be watching them until they no longer exist. 


Now that we all know I'm a TMZ fan, I think my next train of thought will make a bit more sense. I have a very small bubble that I call home. I went to one elementary school, one middle school, and one high school. I have had the majority of my friendships for well over 10 years. I'm not even sure if I know how to make new friends because I can't remember the last time I've had to do that.  In fact, I still live within 5 miles of the house I grew up in, all of the schools I attended, and most importantly the homes that my dad and sister live in today.  That being said, while Orlando is a pretty big metropolitan area, I consider this a "small town area".  I can't really go anywhere without seeing someone I know or knew well at one point or another. This is why I try hard to never, ever, ever leave my house looking crazy


“I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.”

― Coco Chanel

I think celebrities know who Coco Chanel. She's pretty famous and to some infamous. Regardless, this quote says everything I am thinking and feeling about looking at pictures and videos of celebrities out and about. On one hand, I get it. You are probably on your way to a set where your hair, makeup, and wardrobe will be selected for you. Maybe you just really want Starbucks after 36 hours of working on location. Maybe you just don't feel well! On the other hand, did you see what Coco said? Seems like pretty solid advice. This may sound like judging but I'm not. I'm just making observations and blogging about them. This is America! You are free to dress however you like regardless of what you may look like plastered on tmz.com.  I, however, will be channeling the wise words of Coco Chanel each and every time I leave the house. For now. . . who knows what life is like after 30?

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Time is of the Essence. . . or is it?

I just sprinted to my laptop because I had convinced myself it had been over a week since my last blog post. I'm not sure if this is the result of a broken concept of time or a broken memory. I struggle with time and memory so really, it could be either. At this rate, we'll never know. . .


Sunday, April 21, 2013

Does Andersoon Cooper like his Job?

I want to have 10 different career/jobs before I retire so I am ALWAYS looking to do something different. Everywhere I go, I am constantly asking people to tell me the positive and negative aspects of their jobs.

On Friday, I was watching CNN's terrible coverage of the Boston bombing suspects capture and I started to wonder. . . does Anderson Cooper like his job? Journalism is a career that I briefly considered and I used to believe that A Coop has one of the most exciting jobs on the planet. I turn to him in times of crisis and confusion to guide me through. But as I watched him stand on a street corner and listened to the Boston police scanners online I just kept thinking the last place I would want to be during the boat standoff was 500 feet away.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

5 Greatest Songs E V E R

Over the last few weeks, I've been on a quest to find some new music. I've been listening to playlists on Spotify, creating random radio stations on Pandora, and soliciting suggestions from friends. As I inch closer to 30, I keep thinking back to how good music used to be. I know that I am not even close to being "old" but I love older music. This has prompted me to give you, my top 5 songs of all time. Check out my list and most importantly, share your top 5. Like I said, I'm on a search for new and new to me music.

Honorable Mentions:

*Michael Jackson: Thriller
*Prince AKA The Artist Formerly Known as Prince: 1999
*Puff Daddy/Diddy/Sean Combs: All About the Benjamins
*David Bowie: Let's Dance
*Madonna: Holiday


5. Back & Forth

Artist: Aaliyah
Album: Age Ain't Nothin But a Number
Year of Release: 1994
Favorite lines: 
It's Friday 
and I'm ready to swing
pick up my girls
Hit the party scene
Reason I love it: She dressed like me; Okay I didn't actually wear baggy pants with my boxers showing but I wanted to. I also love basketball and dancing. That's pretty much what this video/song represents. 


4. Around the World

Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Album: Californication
Year of Release: 1999
Favorite lines: 
All around the world
We could make time
Rompin' and a-stompin'
'cause I'm in my prime

Reason I love it: I have a crush on Anthony Kiedis' voice. The bassline is amazing. Did I mention I have a crush on Anthony Kiedis' voice?

3. Stronger


Artist: Kanye West
Album: Graduation
Year of Release: 2006
Favorite lines: 

Bow in the presence of greatness
‘Cause right now thou has forsaken us
You should be honored by my lateness

Reason I love it: Kanye reminds me of my myself. If I didn't know better, I'd swear we were siblings. He is quirky (weird), irrational, fashionable, witty, and an overall genius! He took a very dull song (in my opinion) and turned it into this work of art!

2. This is How We Do It


Artist: Montell Jordan
Album: This is How We Do It
Year of Release: 1994
Favorite lines: 
The summertime skirts and the guys in Kani 

All the gang bangers forgot about the drive-by 

Reason I love it: Everything about this song screams party! This scene from This Means War pretty much sums up my home life (nothing too exciting going on here) and this song as the soundtrack is PERFECT.





1. Let's Stay Together



Artist: Al Green
Album: Let's Stay Together
Year of Release: 1971
Favorite lines:

That let's, let's stay together
Lovin' you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad
Reason I love it: It's actually VERY weird that this is my favorite song since I don't think I ever want to get married but it is and has been for as long as I can remember. I love, love (not enough to do anything to be in love or anything crazy like that) and I think everyone should be in love at some point. It's SO much fun! Love, love, love you all! :)


Now, it's your turn. What are your favorite songs of all time?!?





Saturday, April 13, 2013

Fitness Videos

Fitness videos can be great. All you have to do to get your exercise done is wake up, stand up, and push play on the DVD  player. Watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta has reminded me of the existence of these videos (see Donkey v. Stallion, 2013). This morning I woke up and could not think of anything I would like to do less than get dressed and go to the gym, zzzzzzzzzzzz. So I did some Zumba/watched the workout DVD. This got me thinking, are the stars of this video even working out? They get all dressed up, in their fanciest workout gear, in some exotic location, with a hair and makeup team.

This



 is not what I look like when I'm Zumba-ing.


Thursday, April 11, 2013

And my Buns Don't Nothin Like Steel

In preparation for 30, I've decided I should be a bit more healthy. In my craziness, I have taken on this 30 day squat challenge. Basically, you start with 50 squats a day and increase by 5 each day. There are a couple of rest days sprinkled in between. I started this on Sunday and it is a lot harder than it sounds. That being said, I know that I am already "fit"-ish and I know that I am only on day 5 but so far, 




Clueless always knows how I'm feelin'!




Sunday, April 7, 2013

Too Young to Buy Spray Paint

Last weekend I noticed that all of my neighbors were outside working. I chose to go to the mall instead. At the end of that weekend, I was slightly jealous of all the renewed energy in their homes and yards. Soooo, this weekend I took on some DIY projects. I ended up painting my bathroom, organizing the garage, and prepping my yard for
S P R I N G. I headed to my favorite store The Home Depot to get supplies. I'm not sure how old you need to be to buy spray paint but I was definitely carded. I'm not sure if I should be annoyed now because I am quickly approaching thirty or save my annoyance for the day when I am no longer carded.

I started on the bathroom very, very early and was able to get it pretty much done before my free labor came over to help. (THANKS FRIENDS)The walls were a very unflattering shade of pink when I moved in and I vowed to change that immediately!

It's hard to see but trust me, the walls are ugly
I bought the paint right away and then time got away from me. Three years later, I finally painted the bathroom! 
I was also missing a crucial piece of hardware, a towel rack. I bought a new one (Target had a chrome one on sale for $8!!), new towels, and a new bathmat. I'll post pictures more pictures as soon as I get the rack up!! I'm extra proud of myself because I actually took the time to tape everything correctly and my ceilings, granite, window, and door are all free of gray paint. My dad is very proud :).

I spent the majority of the weekend working on front and backyard projects. I had a huge wooden work table in the yard that at one time, stored all of the pool cleaning tools. I moved the pool stuff to the garage and the table became my dog's favorite place to dig holes. Anything wooden that isn't properly cared for usually rots and that's exactly what happened in this case. My friend and I spent about an hour DESTROYING the table with our feet and hammers. I think this would be a great way to get out all of our built up rage. We don't really have built up rage but it was fun regardless. I forgot to take pictures so you'll just have to use your imagination. 

Also in the yard, we painted some chairs I have on the pool deck. They're not done drying yet so here are some pictures of them upside down. 
Again, just use your imagination to visualize them upright and on the deck
I have a friend who is a horticulturist (Check out his awesome Hortipopia) who helped me get the yard ready. I forgot 'before' pictures (sorry guys, I will get better) but here are some 'after' pictures for you to check out. 
Cordyline

Look at my shadow!

Welcome!


Saturday, April 6, 2013

Fergie


My body stay vicious

I be up in the gym just working on my fitness



Are you allowed to quote Fergie after thirty? She's much older than 30 so I think it's fine. . . maybe I'll consult one of those fancy women's magazines (Vogue, Elle, Cosmo) I bet they would know!! 

At work every spring they have a 50 Days of Fitness Challenge. For the low price of $5 you get access to gyms and fitness classes for 50 days. Normally, this is not the type of foolishness that I would engage in. I am, however, reaching middle age so it's about time I engage in some type of physical activity. In all honesty, I decided to signup because of a friend. . .such a follower. Irregardless (I know that's not a "real" word but it's okay because I am STILL 29). 

In the last 50 days, I've been to several gyms, changed my eating habits slightly, and realized how important physical activity is to so many people. I even watched one episode of The Biggest Loser. Only one episode though, the show is great but waaaay too long.  This morning I even cycled 10 miles in 30 minutes. I can't guarantee that this is a huge accomplishment but I feel like it is so I'm sharing my picture.

EAT THAT LANCE ARMSTRONG!








Sunday, March 31, 2013

In good company

If you're really, really good at math, you've figured out that I was born in 1983. W E L L, guess who else was born in 1983!!!!

No really, G U E S S.

Okay guys, great guesses.

Compare your fabulous guesses to these movies, albums, and celebrities also celebrating 30 years of joy in 2013!


MOVIES




 MUSIC

(Madonna twice)

 FAMOUS PEOPLE


Thursday, March 28, 2013

Where Shopping is A Pleasure


How do you know if you spend too much time at the grocery store? I've received a few signs that I may love my neighborhood Publix a little more than a typical patron. . . if that's even possible. So here is a short list of signs to look out for (all of these really happened to me) that you may be in the same boat: 

1. You see one of the many stockers, know his name, and notice that he got a fresh haircut.

2. The same stocker sees you the next day and notices that you too, got your hair cut (in the 24 hours since you were last at Publix.)


3. The meat manager asks you how the roast you bought yesterday turned out.

4. The cashier knows where YOU work.


5. A different cashier knows that you're on vacation and asks if you're sad that it's almost over.



Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Adult Living

I spent hours making soup today.

Of course when I say hours, I mean two. (Two is more than one which allows me to use plurals, even though it makes it seem like I spent my whole evening make soup. Right?) ANYWHO, I spent hours making soup. I make my own chicken broth and if you're not a cook/chef, I bet this impresses you. I sliced pounds of carrots, onions, and celery. . . in the food processor. I did ALL OF THIS and all I want to eat for dinner is a plum. I'm sitting next to the fruit bowl in my kitchen as I type this and the plum smell    so    G O O D. And because I am an adult, sort of, I'll probably end up eating the nectarine and having soup for breakfast.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

Adulthood

There are all of these misconceptions about things that adults should and should not do. Well guess what folks!! I am knocking these silly idealistic visions of adulthood out of the ballpark.

My one example, society thinks adults should check their mail (snail mail, email, voicemail). I don't do ANY of that. I don't have any plans to do ANY of that. Honestly, the older I get - the less I am motivated to do ANY of that. I'd rather read my book(s) :).

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Procrastination is a disease

When I'm really bored or avoiding "real work" I like to peruse WebMD. Google is cool, YouTube is fandamntastic but WebMD is where all the cool kids go for a good time.  Since I primarily use the site to procrastinate, and not for its' founders intentions, today I decided to see if they had any information on procrastination. Like most things I do, this started out as a joke. As I browsed through articles, however, I'm certain procrastination is a disease and I have all of the symptoms.

Apparently, procrastination is a symptom for a huge number of "real" (in my opinion) conditions including fatigue, fibromyalgia, and ADHD. Personally, I am a huge procrastinator. I am a firm believer that you should absolutely put off today what you can do tomorrow. That may seem backwards to some but I've accomplished a lot considering the lifestyle I've chosen. I have a temporary career (I've been procrastinating finding a new one), a master's degree, a house, a car, a puppy; I am the American Dream. . . the somewhat delayed but always on time American Dream.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Team NO KIDS

I am almost thirty and I don't have any children. Don't feel bad for me, this is my choice! There are so many reasons (soooo many reasons) that I am childless. I can't afford them, I'm selfish, I enjoy my sleep, I don't want gray hairs etc. Even though I am not a parent to a human, I am a part time parent to my dog. 





My dog's erratic behavior is pure karma. About 5 years ago I had a boyfriend that I really didn't like that much. I didn't really know at the time that I didn't like him so this doesn't really count as leading him on. One day we were talking about our future life together and he mentioned that he didn't want pets in the house. So naturally, I went out the next day and bought a dog. A BIG DOG! I love, love, love my dog but sometimes he does things that remind me of two things. 
1. I am NOT ready to have children
2. Buying a pet out of spite is not the best idea

About 5 minutes ago, I realized that I hadn't seen my dog in quite sometime. I had just finished cooking dinner and when I cook dinner, he can usually be found sitting on the kitchen mat waiting for something to fall on the floor. He was absent from this usual spot so I set out on a search to find him. I checked the back yard first. Absent! Then each of the bedrooms. Absent! Then I noticed that the hallway bathroom door was slightly cracked. So I peeked through the door and found him EATING COOKIES! I don't even like cookies!!! 

I called up my boyfriend (not the boyfriend I disliked but a brand new, dog loving boyfriend) complaining that the neighbors must be conspiring against his incessant barking by throwing chocolate poison cookies over the fence!! After listening to me ramble for over a minute, he confessed that he had thrown away some cookies in the office trash can earlier in the day. Somehow, underneath all of the other trash in the can, beyond all of the other trash cans (5) in the house, he had found these cookies. Everyone wants their dog (or child) to be so smart. Me? I wish my dog was dumb.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Lance Armstrong

If breathing were an olympic sport, I would have taken home the GOLD from London, Beijing, Athens, and Sydney! 

Some might compare my journey to breathing champion to Lance Armstrong's cycling career.  Much like Armstrong, I have been disgraced and banned from all future breathing competitions.  Luckily, my leisurely breathing privileges have not been revoked. I am still free to breathe recreationally but without reward (other than that whole living thing).

In the last few months I have realized that I am becoming more and more like my dad. I don't let anything bother me, I sleep on the floor if I am too dirty to get in my bed but too tired to shower, and I suddenly have all of these new fangled environmental allergies! I feel like I am allergic to everything except food --- God Bless America! I sneeze in multiples of three, my cough sounds like Mr. White's from Breaking Bad, and I lose my voice at the most inconvenient times! Although the Olympics are a thing of the past, I can't think of any person I would rather transform into than my dad. 


ACHOOOOOOO!


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

I have a long, troubled past with my dentist. Right now, I see the dentist three times a year. In my opinion, this is about three visits too many. My dentist keeps trying to convince me to floss, like that's what I want to do with my free time! On a recent visit, he conveniently left me in the chair ("while going to get a special tool") when a periodontal disease video was playing. Now that I'm almost 30, I figured it's time to listen. So I bought some "super floss" and flossed my pearly whites. Hands down, worst experience of my life! You can bet your nice clean teeth I'm never doing THAT again!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

According to Glamour Magazine. . .


By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

A     N     D



By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30


Well guess what Glamour Magazine! 

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT