Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Team NO KIDS

I am almost thirty and I don't have any children. Don't feel bad for me, this is my choice! There are so many reasons (soooo many reasons) that I am childless. I can't afford them, I'm selfish, I enjoy my sleep, I don't want gray hairs etc. Even though I am not a parent to a human, I am a part time parent to my dog. 





My dog's erratic behavior is pure karma. About 5 years ago I had a boyfriend that I really didn't like that much. I didn't really know at the time that I didn't like him so this doesn't really count as leading him on. One day we were talking about our future life together and he mentioned that he didn't want pets in the house. So naturally, I went out the next day and bought a dog. A BIG DOG! I love, love, love my dog but sometimes he does things that remind me of two things. 
1. I am NOT ready to have children
2. Buying a pet out of spite is not the best idea

About 5 minutes ago, I realized that I hadn't seen my dog in quite sometime. I had just finished cooking dinner and when I cook dinner, he can usually be found sitting on the kitchen mat waiting for something to fall on the floor. He was absent from this usual spot so I set out on a search to find him. I checked the back yard first. Absent! Then each of the bedrooms. Absent! Then I noticed that the hallway bathroom door was slightly cracked. So I peeked through the door and found him EATING COOKIES! I don't even like cookies!!! 

I called up my boyfriend (not the boyfriend I disliked but a brand new, dog loving boyfriend) complaining that the neighbors must be conspiring against his incessant barking by throwing chocolate poison cookies over the fence!! After listening to me ramble for over a minute, he confessed that he had thrown away some cookies in the office trash can earlier in the day. Somehow, underneath all of the other trash in the can, beyond all of the other trash cans (5) in the house, he had found these cookies. Everyone wants their dog (or child) to be so smart. Me? I wish my dog was dumb.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Lance Armstrong

If breathing were an olympic sport, I would have taken home the GOLD from London, Beijing, Athens, and Sydney! 

Some might compare my journey to breathing champion to Lance Armstrong's cycling career.  Much like Armstrong, I have been disgraced and banned from all future breathing competitions.  Luckily, my leisurely breathing privileges have not been revoked. I am still free to breathe recreationally but without reward (other than that whole living thing).

In the last few months I have realized that I am becoming more and more like my dad. I don't let anything bother me, I sleep on the floor if I am too dirty to get in my bed but too tired to shower, and I suddenly have all of these new fangled environmental allergies! I feel like I am allergic to everything except food --- God Bless America! I sneeze in multiples of three, my cough sounds like Mr. White's from Breaking Bad, and I lose my voice at the most inconvenient times! Although the Olympics are a thing of the past, I can't think of any person I would rather transform into than my dad. 


ACHOOOOOOO!


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

I have a long, troubled past with my dentist. Right now, I see the dentist three times a year. In my opinion, this is about three visits too many. My dentist keeps trying to convince me to floss, like that's what I want to do with my free time! On a recent visit, he conveniently left me in the chair ("while going to get a special tool") when a periodontal disease video was playing. Now that I'm almost 30, I figured it's time to listen. So I bought some "super floss" and flossed my pearly whites. Hands down, worst experience of my life! You can bet your nice clean teeth I'm never doing THAT again!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

According to Glamour Magazine. . .


By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

A     N     D



By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30


Well guess what Glamour Magazine! 

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT